Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

I am so bored lately. I have mostly been on the computer surfing the web for anything. Urgh, I wish I had a job. I do have homework, books, and DVDs that I brought over from my mom's house to spend the week here at my dad's house. And I go back on friday actually, so it's kind of soon. Ahh that means that break is almost over. I feel like I want to accomplish something. Hmm, I actually have this weird idea of starting a web show. Details still in progress but it's just an idea.

The holidays are kind of crazy this year because I am at my dad's house and he isn't really big on the whole family time thing, which probably resulted in the fact that we aren't close. Whatever. I get to see my mom soon and have another Christmas before she leaves me for two weeks and goes to Mexico with my stepdad. And just in case it isn't clear: I'm not going. And my mom wants New Years to be this big deal but I want to spend it with my friends and make a movie like we did last year, and maybe go to Zoo Lights. But Ang is leaving to Vegas, and Tamara probably all ready has plans. Sorry if this blog is all 'Poor me'. I'll get off my butt, promise. And stop sleeping all day and night (although I heard it makes you grow). Mostly I'm lonely I guess.

Sarah (soon-to-be-stepsister) and Sharron (soon-to-be-stepmom) came over today before they left to go to Ontario. You can tell it's not going to work out between them but I don't say anything. Sarah does. And mostly it hurts because I always wanted a sister and I love hanging around her and it seems like she is just counting down the days and doesn't care if we never see each other again. I always have Alyson (stepsister on my mom's side) and she even invited me up to see her during the break. I will try to make this the best break yet. Woot!

P.S. The 'Woot!' was a bit sarcastic

Merry Christmas and Here's To Many More

*Boxing Day isn't really a holiday... I know that

One Day I'll Fly Away - Nicole Kidman

Today I was a homebody. Usually my mom is the homebody, and my step dad, and my brother but they were all out for most of the day. But Ang was over last night for a sleepover and stayed till 2:00ish today. We made awesome pancakes with apples and cheese on top. Sounds kind of weird but they are actually really good. Anyway all went well except for some trouble with the apple peeler but it all worked out.

Today I spend hours looking all over the internet for music that I can sing. I found a good site called http://www.sheetmusicplus.com/ and it has everything I could have ever wanted including music from Broadway, popular music that plays on the radio, music from movies and many books just for Mezzo Sopranos or Belters as one book called it. Last year I wasn't really into singing well but this year it's all I do, and not the little humming stuff either. I love belting stuff out and I really want a voice coach to help me with stuff but I guess I will have to make due just practicing by myself until I get back on track in school. I also picked up my old piano books. I was never very good because I only took it for a year and I got as far as Yankee Doodle. But hey, I mastered that song in 10 minutes when I picked it back up! Haha just kidding I'm not actually proud of that. But I am kind of neglecting my bass. It was sad though because when Ang was over she grabbed my Bass for Beginners book, flipped to the back and started playing. I guess I am going through the stage that she when through in the summer when it seemed that guitar was just impossible. It's not that I want it to be easier, its just that I don't spend hours practicing to get better so I don't get better. I know that I must though, because the old saying is true 'Practice makes perfect'.

One of my life goals is to sing 'Defying Gravity' from the musical Wicked perfectly and now 'One Day I'll Fly Away' from Moulin Rouge. And though I kind of want to be the 'bass chick' in the band I am way, way, way more interested in singing right now. My voice has improved so much since choir began in September and once I get notes and everything down singing, bass and piano will all be easier. I really don't read the music in choir. I look at where abouts the note is and how long to hold it for. I also listen to whoever is beside me. I love standing next to two girls in choir because they are pretty loud and I just follow. According to Sklar, I sing very loud. Actually, my music teacher in elementary always said that.

Too bad life wasn't a musical...

Make You Smile - +44

Wow... So now I'm kind of falling for him.

M0re later, if I can...

Stand Still, Look Pretty - The Wreakers

I just spilled my guts to an almost-stranger. What is wrong with me?

All The Same - Sick Puppies

I just watched the music video for 'All The Same' again, and man does it give me goosebumps. It always happens to me when I see or hear something amazing. I love watching so inspiring that actually happened. Watching something like that shows me that there is still good in the world. It makes me think that me being so stressed out because of a math test isn't really important at all. There are so many other things out there and many people, me included, forget how huge the world is. Its not that what matters to us doesn't matter to anyone else, but in the big picture of your life as long as you gave it your all that's all you can do. Of course everyone could be better and try harder, not watch so much TV and be nice to their little brother, but its all about choices. You can choose to read my blog right now or to go do homework; choose to volunteer at a homeless shelter or watch TV. If you want to change something about yourself do it; just do it. Being a teenager so many options are available to us, and being Canadian we have freedoms and we truly get the chance to become our own self.

I hate when I feel sorry for myself for whatever reason like maybe if I worked my butt off last year I wouldn't be in such a fix, but there is nothing I can do about the past. I just got do something so that I don't repeat my mistakes. Sorry if this is lame. Its mostly for me to get motivated.

No Reins - Rascal Flatts

Sophie La Rouge. That's my rockstar Alis! How exciting is that? I know that I am not going to be famous and that I don't know anything about playing a bass but it is still fun to fantasise. Nothing wrong with that. I see it as being creative.

I am getting more and more excited for winter, but I really need some new clothes or I am going to freeze. Every time I put on a old shirt I notice that there is either a hole in it that I never noticed or a bleach stain. Also I don't own more than one good hoodie. Most of my friends have 10 or more! I also need new pants or a couple pairs of belts because my pants are too big and keep falling down, which is actually a good thing if you think about it. Today I tuned my bass and I found it really frustrating, I don't know if it was my tuner or my guitar but every time it was near perfect it would switch. Everyone probably has that problem, I just though it was my fault and freaked out a bit. I have decided something about myself today too. I am usually not a calm person. I am full of emotions, sometimes more than two people or three when I am hyper. I am also really dumb, but I am okay with it because I noticed that if I am dumb I make people feel better when they are around me because they are so smart. It was like last year when I went with the level one snowboarding group for gym. I wasn't level one at all, I can carve and I have my own equipment; I mostly wanted to go for some units and to snowboard for two days with my friends. Anyways it was a blast because I actually learned stuff and I got to be the smart one for one. I mean the super smart because I was helping Jessi and Ryan turn down the hill. And I am a pretty good teacher if I do say so myself.

I am so happy right now I want to go run around the neighbourhood. I have so much energy, but I guess I should direct it to the tremendous amount of homework I always have. Do you know what I don't get though? Why are we working our butts off to get into college or university or whatever just to work harder and then get a career? It seems pointless to me. Oh well just because I was in school for 13 years of my 16 year-old life doesn't mean I can't work my way though another 5 or 6.

Okay and last but not least I have some food for thought: Does the optimistic get disappointed or let down more than the pessimistic who might get happily surprised?

Ha! Chew on that =)

Dark Blue- Jack's Mannequin

I decided to try. Simply put I am going to try harder in everything and stop being so vain and thinking that the world hates me. I don't actually know when I stopped trying, but I definitely did. Has that ever happened to you? When you start asking the question 'why?' when real life comes into play? I kept saying 'oh math is too hard', yeah well it's not going to be easy. I don't know what I was thinking. Anyways so I can graduate this year I dropped to lower level courses in english, social and science (simply because I hate it). I don't feel nearly as embarrassed as I should considering that I am most likely the only kid in the school working on science 24. I don't care though, I am in the mood I get in once in a while when I basically don't care what other people think. So I am working on math 20, at least its pure; and I am in lower level english and social, it will give me more practice for next year when I kick serious ass on my diplomas. And even though I might truly be the only kid in the school doing science 24, when I am 30 it really won't make a bit of difference.

My mom was definitely freaked out when I told her this plan that Mrs. Cove (my TA) suggested. But like she told my mom, this is what will motivate me to graduate and even though I don't really want it to be a reason, I want to graduate so bad. It all goes back to this summer actually. In two weeks during August I saw my grandma and grandpa in Vernon and my nona and gramps in Salt Springs Island. They all know that I am kind of struggling with school (most people know), and they all gave me words of encouragement and said that they all believed in me and knew I could do it. It was a definite boost, and I told myself that this year was going to be different. But it wasn't and the last few weeks I have felt like I let them down, and I stopped trying. I think that I am in serious danger of becoming a flake. How sad!

I told them that I would graduate this year and asked all of them to come to my grad. This is a massive deal considering that my parents are divorced and it would be both sides of my family and probably my stepmom, stepsister and stepgrandma (on my stepdad's side). Huge deal, like I said. But I want to do this for me, but knowing that people are rooting for me make me feel better and more scared. I guess only time will tell.

Ride - Cary Brothers

Okay so I was so excited that I was blogging so often, and then I stopped. Sorry all my avid readers. Just kidding I know that no one reads my blogs and I think that is why I love them so much.

Anyway, today my day sucked. There is no other word. At least it sucked until I got home that is. Why does everything suddenly become okay at home? It is like every ones houses have special healing powers. Like I was saying though, it took me a ridiculously long time to get to school today. Lets see I left at 7:45 and got to school at around 10:30. That's what I'm taking about! Horrible right? The only good thing about the bus driver forgetting about me and two other people on the bus was that I read tons of my book (the second book in the Gossip Girl series). Once she noticed that people were still on the bus she told us to get off there and then take any bus downtown and then the 18 to school. I didn't think that was a good idea, to guess my way around the city, but I got on a random bus that said something about Heritage and sat on it for probably half an hour. Then from Heritage I took the 20, but it took a while. After that nothing seemed to click. I was super hungry for no reason; my stomach hurt like crazy and I had no Tylenol; I missed two seminars, math with Outtrim and social, and a TA appointment; my agenda was at home; my favorite book mark broke (it had a metal wire and beads on the end that look like boots); I spilt soup on myself; my hair was gross and I didn't have enough time that morning to shower; the massive zit on the side of my face was turning to an even more violent red; and of course I couldn't concentrate. I didn't take my Ritalin, but I am sure it was more 'this is a really crappy day' type of thing. I was also sad because I didn't really see And and Tamara, and they keep me alive. Honestly talking to them for half an hour makes me feel as if I can take the world on. But I know that they are having a hard time with everything too. I so knew I wasn't ready for grade 12.

I think that the worst thing was that everyone knew that I was having a crappy day so they were being super nice. If that doesn't make sense don't worry I will explain. It was almost as if I wanted someone to be super mean to me so that I could brake down about how dumb my life is. It usually helps me... does that make me 'Drama Queen'-ish? Oops =)

But my day got better. Orianna drove me home so I got home at around the same time that I would have been getting to Brentwood. I felt back on track after eating some carbs and then having an amazing bath, washing my hair and then getting ready for Jr. Achievement (JA for future reference). I wasn't nervous or excited for JA, it just felt like work or school, something I had to do. But it actually ended up being really fun. I know some people from school, and have already met tons of new people. I was very opinionated (as always) but this time with very good reason. I did JA last year and my group sucked kind of, but I still have experience that next to no one has. Last year half were kids really serious about business and the other half were slackers. Guess what group I was in?! Slacker, definitely. Think about it, we were in U of C with tons of places to go and food to eat. Plus my old BFF Brieanne was there so we got to catch up every thursday. It was awesome I found my favorite ice cream (half-baked brownie and cookie dough, Yumm!) and I just had fun. This year I will work harder and I think that I am going to run for President and win!

I am kind of tired but I am going to do chem or social; I didn't decide yet. I saw Deanna today and that was awesome; a girl in JA drew the cutest picture of me so that made me super happy; I wrote a depressing yet inspiring bit of a song; but most of all I decided to start trying, because aparently I stopped.

So all and all I think I had an okay day.

So Damn Cleaver

I am so excited right now. I had the best night in so long last night. I was going to a movie with Chantel and her friend Medena and then we met up with her friend Matt and his friend Dana (it's a guy just so you know). They decided to come and we went up to Westhills and Chantel looked up movie times and said that it said 8:40 but the next one was actually 10:20 so we bought tickets, with some help from the boys (because they are 18 and well we aren't). Then we were wondering what we should do until the movie starts. Oh and before I forget, we saw boys from Carroll and I loved it because I felt so superior because I was with people they didn't know and we were seeing a 18A movie and they were being dorks sprawling across the video games. They totally saw me too, Medena said they wanted me, she is so funny.

Anyway, we all piled into Matt's car and drove around for a bit. Medena and I had to phone our mom's to tell them that we were going to catch the later movie and surprizingly enough my mother was totally fine with it! I know I am still shocked! It was so fun driving with Matt because we were trying to drift across parking lots. Then we drove to a park and went on the play ground. It was really cold though so the girls went back to the car, and near the car was the most superb pink truck I have ever seen. I was scared to go in it and get arrested or something but Medena went and jumped into it. It was a convertible, just so you don't think that we were breaking in. Finally the boys were coming back to the car, but then Matt drove away with us and the girls decided to hid and Dana just stood there, waiting. We were running between trees and Matt seemed to get irritated and just started honking, so we gave up and ran back to the car. We thought we were so clever.

Then we driving back to the movie theatre and we decided that we wanted to go see the numbers on the side of signal hill. I was really excited because I have never walked up there. We parked as close as we could and started climbing. Matt actually ran; Dana walked; I walked, and Chantel and Medena were wheezing their way up. We were all acting like idiots and I couldn't have been happier. Finally we got closer to the numbers and I actually touched the last one. A seven maybe? And then us girls decided that we were done with walking and started down the stairs. The stairs were wooden and there was a tiny ramp thing for bikes to go on and I decided to slide down on it. It was really fun, except on one near the end that was probably the longest I almost biffed so bad I would have broken my leg! The boys came down second and Matt did the same thing, even though we totally warned him. Medena found a shopping cart after that and pushed me in it. And she got a really funny picture on my cell phone of my horrified expression when I though that a semi was going to run me over.

Our movie was starting soon so we had to go back quick, but apparently us girls weren't fast enough because Matt and Dana drove away again, and we hid behind trees. They stopped and parked far away and we started yelling at them to come back because we were lazy and didn't want to walk that far. But we did. And guess what!? They did it again, but this time they kind of tried to run us over. This happened multiple times. I tried the whole 'stay where you are' strategy because it was turning into a game of chicken. It didn't work. I am forever the chicken.

We did finally get into the car, and got to the movie theatre safely. We got these gross kool-aid slushies, and Chantel was trying to cheer up the most depressed movie guy I have ever seen. We got into the movie fine, but Matt had to show his ID again. Dana said that he uses his so much it is going to wear out. The movie was okay, some hilarious parts but I didn't really like it. I was too hyper.

One eventful thing happened though. The chairs leaned back sort of and a bunch of us put our feet up, and it was fine for a while but then the person behind be started kicking my chair and so I pushed back on it and then she kicked it again. This happened probably ten times, me getting angrier each time. Finally I sat up and turned around and gave her the dirtiest look I could give her, something that would look like I wanted to turn her into stone. She had a scared expression on her 30-year-old face. That's right she was 30! Medena laughed forever! I did too. I mean what a witch! She ran out as soon as the movie was done. She had a right to be scared!

After that the boys drove home and Chantel and I took Medena home. I think we made plans next weekend too! =) Chantel was very suprised when the only thing I wanted to listen to was rap. I am suprised to actually, I was in a weird mood. We went by Julie's house because my brother told me that she was having a party. But it was only after 12 and there weren't any lights on. Before that Andres called (he used to like Chantel) about a feild party by the gas station. We went to check it out but I didn't know anyone and it was rediculously cold and Andres was super drunk and kept hugging Chantel. She has a boyfriend dude! Sam said that he knew me and Chantel said that he did but he clearly didn't.

Anyways that was my crazy saturday night. Hope yours was just as good!

No Name (How Sad!)

Okay so I don't know if anyone caught on to the fact that I was kind of naming all my blogs after whatever song I was listening to at the time or what song I thought would describe my mood, which is what the writers do on One Tree Hill. Not about blogs but about the episode names. But as you can see the title of this blog is in fact 'No Name' because my sound isn't working on my computer. I need music going on when I am on the computer, it just seems to quiet without it. I am downloading the new iTunes right now and am doing a virus scan so I guess I will have to see how that works out. I kind of feel bad actually for neglecting to do a virus scan sooner. It's weird because I usually do one a day (you know to keep the viruses away). It's like a hobby to me, and I know that's weird but I don't really do anything else so that is my hobby. Blogging has also become a hobby of mine. I kind of love it!

Okay because I am a list person I will write a list of 10 things I hate right now and 11 things I love. Just to show that I am a more of a happy person than a sad person.

I hate that...
1. my school work is piling up again
2. I failed my math test today
3. my alarm clock didn't ring this morning
4. I cannot ever find anything in my closet to wear
5. the days seem so short (and not just because it's fall)
6. I didn't get a chance to watch Gossip Girl
7. I have to be sweet as pie for probably three months for my mom to consider letting me go to NY to see RK
8. I don't have any super powers like the people on Heroes
9. it takes me so long to do really simple things and I don't know why
10. even when I try my hardest not to be late I am always more late

I love that...
1. I don't feel to tired so I can probably stay up super early (not late) doing homework
2. my mom is reading 'Twilight', the book that Ang and Tamara just can't put down (even to hangout with me!)
3. I am beginning to know all the words to 'Can't stop the Beat' a song from Hairspray
4. it is thursday tomorrow and that the week is almost over
5. my cell phone didn't fall down the sewer
6. I memorized a difficult formula for math in a minute
7. I am hanging out with Laura more and more
8. some of my friends from work and stuff try really hard to stay in touch with me
9. I still have tons of money left over from summer and I haven't spend hardly any since I went to West Ed
10. my aunt is over and it makes socializing with the rest of my family so much easier
11. I can dream about Graduating with my friends even if it doesn't happen

Oh, also choir is tomorrow so I am going to practice my scales tonight so that the girl that sits behind me doesn't out sing the rest of the Mezzos. Mezzos for life! (Take that Ang!)

He's Human

Who knew?? Brenden is normal, and this time talking to his wasn't all that painful as it was before. I hung out with Laura and him after school today and it was so fun. I love that they don't rush home to do homework the second school is out. It's funny to because I got home at 5:00-ish and that is only half an hour later than I usually get home.

So we went to Wendy's and I got a frosty. I was contemplating getting this new frosty with Oreo stuff in it but then Laura reminded me that a frosty is nearly perfect (only if it was colder), I decided that I really shouldn't mess with a good thing. We hung around there for a while and saw Eric from MDH. It was weird seeing him, especially because Laura knew it was him at first glance, but I didn't see him and was staring intently at this other boy to see if it was Eric. He definitely knew I was staring at him too.

After that we drove Laura home and then Brenden offered to drive me home and I said no thanks but then he said that he really didn't want to go home anyways, because his mom was being a witch (my words not his). It was a fun drive and at the end I offered (very smoothly I might add) that I would give him my cell number so if he got lost he could phone me. He said that he would be fine but that he would pick it up tomorrow.

I don't think that I like him or anything, I am just so obscenely happy that I can be friends with a boy who isn't Ryan. Not that I don't love Ryan, it's just that you would have to be the scum of the earth for Ryan not to be friends with you. I guess this proves that I just have complex boy issues. Which depending on how you look at it could be a good thing. It's like the doctor has diagnosed me but just doesn't know a cure. Get it?

Okay so up for tonight, I have an immense ammount of homework and I really want to watch Gossip Girl, but I might just watch it tomorrow or Sunday, (it's on so much!) I also have to got to the manditory meeting for all choir students and their parents. But of course Ang and her mom aren't going and Tamara's mom is but she isn't. And biggest non-surprise... my mom is driving me insane. Brenden and I talked about this in his car actually. Parents suck.

I know it seems like I like him, Tamara, but I don't!
Over and out =)

WICKED!

Okay this soundtrack is amazing! I just can't help it, I love all the songs even the weird ones. So Angela, inspired by Scheck, inspired by some girl started this blog thing where you name 100 things about yourself, that you like or dislike. I'm going to try it out and see how far I get.

100. I wish I had an awe inspiring singing voice
99. I wish I would have gotten my learners when I was 14 and then my licence when I was 16. But I am almost 17 now and have neither
98. I have a car, but like it says above I can't drive it
97. I wish I wasn't as good as people think I am
96. I really want to play bass guitar in a band
95. I am in a band with my best friends Angela and Tamara
94. I listen to Relient K more than I listen to my mother
93. My parents are going to Mexico without me this February
92. I am the worst speller (okay maybe not worse than Angela), but I wish I wasn't and it really bothers me
91. I think this is going to be more about my hopes and dreams than actual things about me
90. I would have killed to be an actress when I was little
89. I put on an appearance that I am really outgoing, but Im really shy
88. I have been to Mexico before and when I went I felt like another person because I was fearless
87. I wish I didn't stress half as much as I do
86. I wish I was fearless (I pretend to be sometimes)
85. I have an addictive personality, but don't show it
84. I try not to be as dumb as I am
83. Most people are easily fooled by my 'cute little girl' appearance
82. I like practical jokes
81. I love trying to make people laugh
80. I know how to drive a smart car
79. I refuse to drive go-carts (it has to do with an incident when I was younger when my brother practically broke my leg by smashing into me)
78. I wish I wasn't scared silly about the future
77. I hope that I will end up working in the music industry
76. I hate when people use bad grammar in their writing
75. I am bossy and know it
74. I hate that I am bossy but usually can't help it
73. My kindergarten report card said I'm bossy
72. I'm not good at school
71. I have never been good at school
70. People confide in me more than I confide in them
69. Half the time I am mad for no reason
68. I refuse to get divorced when I am older, so I will probably get married when I am 30-ish
67. My parents are divorced, and I am glad
66. I don't like my step-dad because he has never tried to get to know me
65. I like my step-mom but was revolted when I found out that she hit Sarah in Mexico
64. If she ever hit me I would hit her back
63. I try to be tougher than I am
62. I have been through a lot, and I am tough
61. I never get sad, I just get mad or depressed
60. I love cheesy pop songs
59. I haven't read any tabloids in about a month
58. I gave up reading tabloids when I started back at school because they are disgusting trash, and I always knew that, but I really just didn't care anymore about Jessica Simpson's love life
57. I really miss my old TA, Mrs. Osterkampf
56. I have no clue what so ever if I am ADD or not
55. I pretend to be street smart
54. I love that I am the most rebellious out of Tamara and Ang
53. My brother gets on my nerves more times in a day than I can count
52. My new cell phone is amazing
51. I hate rap that degrades people, which is like 99% of it
50. I am 100% not racist
49. I try so hard not to judge people
48. I know it is human nature to judge and lie
47. I think I used to be a compulsive liar, but I try to tell the truth as much as I can
46. My mom is more over protective than some of the crazed moms on TV
45. My hands and feet are always cold
44. I try hard, but not hard enough for school
43. I wish I was a more rebellious person
42. I hope I don't regret too much when I am older
41. I try not to be the stereotypical dumb blonde
40. I try to write songs
39. I get discouraged easily
38. I put myself down, but don't let anyone else put me down
37. I will travel the world even though I don't do well on planes
36. British books are my favorite series mostly because of the awesome clothes and slang they use
35. I don't have much will power
34. I feel guilty eating anything from Starbucks or french fries
33. I might get plastic surgery
32. I wish I was comfortable in my skin
31. I think that I would make a good model because I am photogenic and could pose better than the girls on America's Next Top Model
30. I think that I will make a good mom
29. I think that swearing makes people seem stupid
28. I have no trouble voicing my opinion, and will fight for what I think is right
27. I wish my eyes were more green or more blue than they are
26. I hate when my glasses don't go with my outfit
25. I like being fashionable
24. I think that I am going to get cancer
23. My dad is an alcoholic
22. I could be an alcoholic when I am older because of him
21. Telling my friends that my dad is an alcoholic is one of the hardest things I have ever done
20. I wish it didn't but I think it explains a lot about me
19. I am seriously moody but I try not to be
18. I cried the second when my mom told me that she was engaged
17. I get really wrapped up in books
16. I wish I was trusted more by my friends and my family
15. I wish I stuck to my plans/goals/dreams more than I do
14. I try to make everyday good
13. I believe in God
12. I do not believe in Catholic views
11. Some of my secrets I will never ever tell anyone
10. I cannot talk to boys for the life of me
9. I love my step-sister Sarah like a sister
8. I wish I could tell who was fake easier
7. I want to Graduate this year so much
6. I don't want to go to the Grad dance without a date
5. I have never had a boy friend
4. I don't like being proved wrong, especially when Ang does it
3. Tamara and Ang's houses are like my third and fourth home
2. I really miss my old dog kirk
1. I think that I can tell the future because I had a feeling when I was younger that my parents were going to get divorced and they did, but when my mom told me I was shocked because it came out of no where

I kind of feel bad that this was so easy. I can talk about myself a lot I guess. Just to make two of my favourite girls happy I will make my blog public, except they can't comment on any past blogs. Deal??

Stronger

That's what I'm listening to right now, by Kanye West. It's actually kind of a cool song considering that he swears so much and I find swearing kind of distasteful. I guess I like the beat. So in this blog I wanted to weight my options about weather or not I should make my blog public. It's kind of funny that Angela and Tamara were so upset that I didn't want them to read my blog, I just feel like it's mine and it gets all my thoughts out in the open. And yes, sometimes I vent about them and probably in future blogs I will explain my beef with them, but I still love them to pieces.

I just decided that this blog is just for me then, figuring as whenever I have something important to say to either Tamara or Ang I phone them up ASAP. Actually that's not true, I tell them the unimportant things that are on my mind while all along I keep inside what is truly bugging me. The thing is though that over the past few years sometimes I really have no clue why I am not happy. I guess because I am so happy all the time I take brecks out of being happy or something. No that doesn't really make sense. I guess I just need a shrink.

This week has been okay seeing as how Gossip Girl started, but my friday was terrible and I didn't do too much work because I am sick and pretty much super lazy. I was planning to do tons of work friday night and all today. What a joke! I really should start pushing myself more because honestly if I keep doing this I have no one but myself to blame for not graduating.

So I just checked how much money I got from my last paycheck and I also got my smartbank or something. About 400$ all together was what it amounted to! That's exciting, so maybe not I can payback dad a bit and maybe go shopping because I honestly don't have any shirts or hoodies. I should start working as a server soon too sundays from 11-7, and maybe if I ask Orianna I could get a ride on mondays. Then I would work sundays and mondays have voice and bass guitar lessons on tuesdays (hopefully), and wednesday is junior achievement which I'm taking with Brieanne and then thursdays I should go to the gym I think and fridays I will probably go with Karen to this ballroom dancing thing. It sounds like a lot, but I need to stay focused this year and I honestly could do that better if I have tons of things going on. It might make sense to some people and others like my mom, think I am crazy.

Well I think I should go and take Amarock out for a walk and then work on math, or maybe read Harry Potter. Wait stay focused!

I'm Begging You To Be My Escape

Relient K's fairly famous song that I absolutely cannot stop listening to.

Today was okay again, it had its ups and downs. Mostly downs it seems like. Biggest bummer? The fact that I can't talk to boys, mainly Brenden. It doesn't even matter anymore I am just a case, a basket case most likely. I asked Feden about it today and she was trying to figure out the cure, except that doctors and scientists are too busy finding the cure for cancer that they can't make a cure for me and my incompetence talking with boys.

Honestly with me it's either you can't shut me up or I'm just not talking. No medium. It is rather frustrating actually. Last year when I tried to talk to Matt Anchorman on the bus to bowling it was simple impossible. He is way smarter then me with actual ambitions after school, not like me at all. Then there was the fact that we didn't share any similar interests. We tried to talk, honestly but he likes shows that I don't watch and he comes from a big family and I only have my brother. Basically it was doomed from the beginning.

Okay So...

Many things have been bothering me lately but nothing really that I can fix. My friends seem different this year and when I was talking to Feden this year I really realized how different we are. Different isn't bad, but it is different. It was kind of funny describing Tamara and Angela to her because I guess what she figured they were like, they were anything but. Sometimes I love my friends to death and wonder how I could have ever lived my life before them and then other times it's like we are from different planets. I don't know if this is normal, not that normal is what I am trying to achieve in my life because with me it's everything but.

Today on the bus I was talking to Ruel and he is okay, but only in small doses. I figured that out today, some people are just like that. But I was telling him all about my weird and awesome day yesterday with Laura and Brendon (this new and really cute boy I met through Laura), and they decided that we should hold up posters that say free hugs and basically hug random strangers. I was nervous but I knew it would be fun, and guess what? It totally was. Honestly I get a rush sometimes when I'm being really outgoing, but of course that's Laura 24/7. I love being with her and bringing out that side of me. The side that isn't afraid of what people say and do everything because I want to not because I have to. This brings back old feelings of Mexico for me.

Mexico will always be this place of incredible freedom for me where I practically found out who I am when I am with out any stress. It was exhilarating to almost be someone completely different by being so chill. I knew that I wasn't actually being someone different, but I was being the person that is so often hidden at Carroll and at home and even sometimes with friends. I loved it.

It is kind of funny that in Mexico I was the goody-goody in the group. I did drink, lots but I wasn't really a bad ass and I was always kind of the odd one out. I don't think that anyone in the group actually minded but it's just the fact that I will never be that girl, and even though I don't want to be that girl I still feel the need to step outside my boundaries once in a while. But at school it's like I am the bad girl and that is a complete joke. Sometimes I wish I wasn't the one that begged my friends to let loose once in a while. I figure that while you are a teenager, it's the only time in life that you can actually be a teenager. For example, when you are an adult, you cannot wear that cute mini skirt to work, but if it's not too short you can wear it to school. And if it is too short, then what? The teachers are going to send you home? I don't think so.

I don't know if this makes any sense, I will probably read it later and wonder what I was thinking, but for right now it is the best thing I have.

Three! Two! One!

Okay kids, we have all been counting all year to when summer would be and it came and went in what seems like a blink of an eye. Anyone agree? Anyway today I was talking to my mom today after she made me help her make jam, and she was asking me if I was excited for school. And me, being honest said no. See the thing is that I will be behind in school the second that I step into the school. Bishop Carroll, my school, is a weird school where you work at your own pace and there aren't classes really, just lots of desks and books. I love all the people that I have met at Carroll, honestly I do, but I can't help wonder if I should have gone to a different high school.

I always choose the weird schools though. When I was in grade 6 I knew that I wanted to go to Madeleine d'Houet a french immersion school while everyone I knew was going to the designated school, St. Vincent. Which by the way is 5 minutes from my dad's house, while Madeleine d'Houet is 20+ minutes. It doesn't really matter, but like I was saying before I always choose the different school in hopes of making my parents especially happy by being a gifted kid. You see both of my parents are extremely smart, they both skipped two grades, my dad even went to college when he was 16! Basically I don't have anything that I excel in. I have played soccer since I was 6 or something but its more for fun than anything. I definately can't bend it like Beckham!

That's all the ranting I can do for today. Thanks for reading